


Can I Kiss You?

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [44]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, First Kiss, Healing, M/M, OCD, Panic Attacks, Psychosis, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, discharge, technically not first kiss but first kiss in a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23436682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Whilst the improvements Tyler’s been making since his discharge from Cygnet have been impressive, he’s yet to be as thrilled about a milestone as this one.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [44]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/561244
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> With the current state of the world, I thought we could do with some fluff. And no, it’s no longer April Fools day where I am :P

“And then your tee shirt is here, but if you want to just put your hoodie on then that’s fine, it’s up to you, I’ll leave it here anyway and if you opt straight for a hoodie then I’ll pop it back in the drawer for you later, okay baby?”  
“Yeh,”  
“And your deodorants right here, you know what to do with it?”  
“Underarms,”  
“Good, uh, any questions for me?”  
“No,”  
“Oh, and you know which bottle is shampoo and which is body wash? They say on them but I can show you so you’re sure?”  
“I, I know Mom, it’s okay,”  
“Okay, and your towel is already in there on the towel rack, it’s the only blue one so it’s easy to spot, and don’t forget to turn the water off all the way when you get out, and-“  
“Mom, I, I can do this. Trust me, yeah?”  
“I trust you baby, of course I trust you, I’m just so proud of you for getting to this point and I want the momentum to continue, so I’m doing everything I can to make sure this goes right for you, but no, you’re right, I trust you and I should trust that you can do this.”

It had taken a really long time to get to this point. Tyler was about to have a shower and then get dressed, all by himself. 

He’d first been taught those skills when he was tiny kid, but a psychotic breakdown and 2 years of neglecting any hint of self care later, he was learning them all again. They’d been working on it since he came home from hospital, stripping it right back to the basics, taking it one minuscule step at a time, and it was paying off. He’d mastered brushing his own teeth, he was pretty good at making his bed, he could tie his shoelaces with patience and persistence, and he was about to crush the rest of his morning routine as well. 

“Do you remember how hot you like your water?”  
“Up to the 3rd mark,”  
“That’s right poppet, and you remember how to change the strength?”  
“Top dial,”  
“Yep, and once you’re finished in the shower, what do you need to do?”  
“Dry myself off with the towel properly,”  
“That’s the tricky bit for you, isn’t it? So remember to do your back, and I’ll help you with your hair,”  
“Dad, Dad showed me how to fluff my hair with the towel to get it kinda dry,”  
“If you want to have a go then that sounds wonderful baby, but if you’re tired when you get to that stage then it’s perfectly okay to leave it to me, you know I really don’t mind,”

He was a little bit anxious about the whole thing, only a little bit, but anxious nonetheless. 

“Do you want me to sit outside the bathroom? Or in my bedroom?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Bedroom?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Okay baby, I’ll sit on my bed, but I’ll still be able to hear if you call, and if you’re in the shower then turn the water off before you shout and it will be really obvious that you need me and I’ll come straight away,”  
“O-okay,”

“What are you gonna do to keep bubbles out of your eyes?”  
“Look up,”  
“That’s it, tilt your head back slightly so all the water drains backwards, and what about if you do get bubbles in your eyes? What will you do then?”  
“Shout,”  
“You can shout for me, of course you can, or you can try running a little bit of water over them, or leaning out of the shower to wipe them with the towel,”  
“Last time I accidentally took the towel all the way in though,”  
“Well now you know not to, and if it happens again then I’ve got your other towel in the cupboard, or yeah, you can just call for me,”  
“Yeh,”

“How do you breathe when you’re in the shower? Do you need to hyperventilate?”  
“No, I, I can breathe normally, and if it feels like I can’t then I just need to poke my head out the water and take some deep breaths like that,”   
“Good, yeah, really good. Are you worried about any other aspects?”  
“Not really, um,”  
“I trust you, you can do this,” Mom reached out and took his hands in hers. “You can do this Ty,”  
“And if I can’t?”   
“Then you can’t, and that’s okay, and we can put solo runs on the back burner and continue working on these skills together until you can. I know one day you’ll have this nailed, and if it’s not today then that’s absolutely okay. We’re gonna try today though, yeah? Unless you don’t want to?”  
“No no, I, I wanna try, and then later I can tell Josh I tried,”   
“And he’s gonna be so proud of you baby, just like we already are,”

“There’s the big man! How’d it go, champ?”  
“Good! Really good, yeah, I, I put my shirt on when I was still too wet so Mom had to get another one out for me and she stayed in the room after, but I did everything else myself!”  
“Nice!” His dad reached across the island and high fived him, making him chuckle. “Well done kiddo, good job,”  
“Thanks Dad,”

“What’s she up to now?”  
“She’s just helping Maddy with her hair, she said to come down and sit with you and ask you to do my meds and she’ll come soon,”  
“Alrighty, probably a good shout leaving the gals to it, Maddy can be pretty darn sensitive when it comes to her hair for dance class. One time I offered to try helping her with the bobby pins and personally I thought I did a pretty decent job for a guy who’s never had hair longer than an inch, but gah, the death glare she gave me when I held up the mirror, chilled to the core.”

Tyler laughed at the idea of his dad trying to do a ballet bun - he was far from delicate to say the least. 

“What you feeling for breakfast? Cooked or cold?”  
“Cold,”  
“Cereal? Fruit? I’ve got some fresh bread for toast?”   
“Uhh, weetabix and raspberries maybe? Or blueberries?”  
“We’ve definitely got raspberries, lemme just check on bluebs,” he waltzed over to the fridge and then pulled out two punnets. “Yeah we can do both,”

“Can, can I try making it myself? Like pouring the milk and everything?”  
“Sure you’ve got the energy for another new skill? Josh will be round to pick you up fairly soon, I wanna make sure you’re rested and ready for your morning with him so I really don’t mind whipping up your brekkie for you,” his dad checked, not doubting his ability to attempt the task but instead ensuring it was the right choice to make in that moment of time. 

“Can I try? Please?”  
“Of course Ty, if you feel up to it then of course you can. I love how proactive you’re being lately, you seem really determined to nail your routine independently and I’m genuinely really impressed. Here, let me get you everything and you can put it all together,” he slid the punnets over to Tyler before grabbing the milk and the box of weetabix and Tyler’s favourite bowl too. 

“Two weetabix, then pour the milk, then add the fruit?” He knew deep down that was the order, however confirmation was comforting.   
“That’s it kiddo,”

Tyler pulled the sleeve of cereal out of the box and ripped it down a level so he could pull out two. 

“Dad?”  
“Yes son?”  
“Do you think one day I can get a job?”  
“Ty, I think when the time’s right, you’re gonna make an excellent addition to the work force,”  
“I, I was thinking last night, and I think maybe one day I’d like to work in a supermarket? Restocking shelves?”  
“That sounds like a great idea champ, you’d be really good at that,”  
“Lining up all the tins,” Tyler snickered at himself and the OCD stereotype, carefully pouring milk. Dad was watching closely and made a little sound when he should stop, and he did, screwing the lid back on. 

“Supermarkets can be quite busy though, all those people, so maybe we could look for somewhere calmer? Zack did a summer job at the bookshop over near the bank and he did nothing but moan about how quiet it was. We could look into that perhaps? Still a while off in the distance, but definitely thinking into the future that’s something to consider,”  
“Yeah no, I’m, I’m not looking for a job now, I’m just thinking long term,”  
“Which makes me a very happy man,” Dad smiled as Tyler scattered fruit on his bowl. “You’re doing me proud Ty, so proud,”  
“Thanks Dad.”

“How does it taste?”  
“Amazing,” Tyler grinned with his mouth half full with the breakfast he’d made himself.   
“Another achievement to add to that long list then, hey? And Josh is gonna be so happy when he hears! Mom too, she’s gonna be delighted Ty,”  
“And do you think maybe I can get a bonus sticker on my chart?”  
“Oh absolutely kiddo, you’ve definitely earned one, maybe even two for having your shower and getting dressed independently.”  
“Yay,” he couldn’t help the joyful exclamation as he filled the spoon up again. 

“I’ll get it!” Tyler called out when the doorbell rang, a delighted giggle escaping his lips as he ran across the ground floor.   
“Ty! Ty wait honey, we’ve got a package coming today! It might not be him!” 

That knocked the wind from his sails, anxiety tensing his body up. 

“It’s alright baby, it’s probably him, I just didn’t want you seeing a delivery man and getting spooked. I’ll answer it,” Mom appeared from the other room and stroked his back, letting him cower around the corner until they were sure who it was. 

“Morning Kel,”  
“JOSH!!” Tyler only needed to hear that first syllable to recognise his best friend’s voice and to instantly be reinstated with his energy again. 

“Hey you,” Josh held out his arms which Tyler immediately jumped into, laughing.   
“I’m so happy you’re here!”  
“I’m happy to be here too bud! You’re in a good mood this morning, hey?”  
“Oh Josh he’s had such a good start to the day, come in come in, we’ll tell you all about it,”

Tyler was still hanging onto Josh, wanting to make the most of every inch of him for every second he could, arms threaded around his neck, and Josh put his hand on Tyler’s lower back as they stepped back inside, heading towards the kitchen. 

“Anybody else in I can say hello to?”   
“No fraid not, Zack’s staying at college till the end of the month for Granny’s birthday party, then Chris has taken Madster to dance and Jay to basketball, so it’s just us,”  
“Well say hi for me?”  
“Course, and you’re coming to dinner this week, right?”  
“Yes please, Tuesday is looking good, trusting my professors don’t go overboard on Monday,” Josh came for dinner with the family once a week, but Saturday mornings was the time he carved out of his hectic schedule for spending one on one with Ty. It was the highlight of Tyler’s week. He hoped Josh felt the same. 

“You know you’re welcome whenever Josh, whenever,”  
“Thanks Kel,”  
“You want a coffee?”  
“Small one would be amazing before we head off,”  
“You got it,” she went over to the counter, “Ty baby, you wanna tell Josh what you’ve been up to this week? Or even just this morning?”  
“Oh yeah, I wanna hear all about your amazing morning,” Josh’s smile was the best thing in the world, and having his eyes on him still felt so special. “Whatcha been up to handsome?”

He called him nice things sometimes, things that made Tyler think maybe Josh had that same set of butterflies in his stomach that he did, but they hadn’t sat down and had that conversation yet. As far as what was on the table, they were two friends hanging out. The pet names gave Tyler hope, and the way Josh reached out and touched his upper arm when he asked the question was flutter inducing as well. 

“So, so you know when you came for dinner on Wednesday and I told you I wanted to try doing a few more things by myself? You remember I told you that? I told you on Wednesday at dinner?”  
“I remember Ty,”  
“Well I did it! All by myself!”  
“Baby, you’re not focussing on the right details. Tell him what you did by yourself,”  
“Oh, yeh, oops, I did my morning routine! Most of it at least. I had a shower and washed myself and then mostly got dressed by myself! And then I came down and I put my breakfast together! All by myself!”  
“Ah Ty! That’s awesome buddy, that’s, that’s really something, I’m super impressed with how well you’re doing, you’re crushing it and I’m so proud of you,”  
“Thanks Josh,” Tyler leapt you off his stool and squeezed Josh into another tight hug, with him laughing a little. 

“Alright Ty, let the man breathe,” Mom signalled it was time to release him as she brought his coffee over. “He’s doing so well though Josh, blowing us away more and more every day,”  
“That’s our Tyler,” Josh said and he beamed. 

“How’s your week been?”  
“Rough,”  
“Still on property law?” Mom knew the reason.   
“Yep and it makes me wanna gouge my eyes out. Can’t possibly describe how boring both the professor and the subject matter are, and that’s coming from someone who is voluntarily opting to go into corporate law,”  
“I’ve always said property law is my least favourite of any of the laws,” Tyler sniggered, making Josh smile. 

“So you’re still firmly on corporate then?” Mom asked, leaning against the island.   
“Yeah, that’s where the money’s at,”  
“Since when did you care about money mister?”  
“Since I took out a student loan worth more than my childhood home,”  
“You’ll make money wherever you work Josh, except maybe environmental law, but you need to remember this is the career path you’ll be on for potentially the rest of your life, so you gotta make sure it’s making you happy, as well as making you money,”  
“I know that, I do, and I genuinely like corporate law, I was kidding earlier, I like civil procedure and contracts and negotiations, and I like the competitiveness of it all. It’s the high pace high stakes career I’m looking for,”  
“Alright sweetheart, but if you turn into a douche like on the TV then just trust that I’m gonna rock up to your big fancy office in your big fancy skyscraper and give you the biggest smooch in front of all your big fancy colleagues, got it?”  
“Momma Kelly, it would be an honour to be knocked down a peg by you,” he laughed. 

“Where are we going today?” Tyler had been patiently waiting for the opportunity to ask. Once upon a time he had to have every single detail of every single thing planned out weeks in advance, but as he relaxed and grew braver and braver, he left somethings up to others, like the route of their walk that morning. 

“Tell me if you think it’s gonna be too busy but I thought we could try cutting through the park? We don’t have to go near the playground, we can do the quieter path over by the far side, or we could skip the park completely, but yeah, that was my first idea? Or we could do the route from last week through the fields?”  
“I can do the park.”  
“You sure sweetie? It’s the weekend, there will be quite a lot of families there I bet,” Mom wanted to make sure he understood what he was agreeing to.   
“I can do the park.”

  
“Alright, take your 10 steps, imagine I’m not here, I’m plugging in,”  
“What’s it to be today?”  
“I’m still on my audiobooks phase, so today it’s more Stephen King,” Mom untangled her earphones, “enjoy your walk boys, I’m not here unless you need me,”  
“Thanks Mom,” Tyler kissed her on the cheek, then held Josh’s hand and together they set off down the path. 

When they first started walking together, Mom would hold one hand and Josh the other, and they’d barely make it down the street before having to return. Slowly they weaned to Mom walking 2 steps behind, then 5, and now she was a whole 10 steps away and had earphones in, so the boys could pretend they were alone with each other, without the weight of Tyler’s full care on Josh’s shoulders. 

“How you doing, Ty?”  
“I’m doing good, how you doing?”  
“I’m doing good, how you really doing?”  
“I’m really doing really good,”  
“Oof, hear that? That’s the sound of a thousand English teachers dying inside,” Josh laughed, swinging their hands, “I’m so happy you’re having a good week, sign of times to come, I’m sure,”  
“Yeah, hopefully, I mean, it’s not all been perfect, I had two panic attacks, one with kinda delusional thoughts, but overall it’s been really good,”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”  
“I, I don’t mind, only if you’re interested?”  
“Course I’m interested, I always wanna know everything that’s going on in your world, I just don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to tell me. You can keep things private if that feels better,”  
“I like sharing my world with you,” Tyler squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. 

“Thursday I had to go for my monthly check up at the doctors’ office to make sure none of my meds are messing me up, and she wanted a blood draw, even though Mom called ahead to ask if they were planning to do one and they said no since they did one when I went last week when I felt dizzy and I wanted to get checked out, so they said it was fine this time and I could wait till next month, but when I arrived they immediately sent me to the lady for bloods and, and you know that’s tricky for me even with preparation, so having it sprung on me last second was too much and I freaked,”  
“I’m sorry Ty, that’s really crappy of them, you shouldn’t have had to go through that,”  
“S’okay I guess. Miscommunication.”

“Did you manage to give them a sample in the end?”  
“No. The doctor was actually really understanding once Mom explained, and she said that nothing was abnormal in my results from last week and she did my physicals when I was calmer and she said it was all fine, so unless I have any symptoms, we’re okay to delay my next blood test till my next check up in a month,”   
“And how’d you feel about that?”  
“Scared,”  
“Yeah,” Josh seemed to be expecting that response. 

“At the time I was relieved because my brain was tricking me into thinking the blood lady was trying to hurt me and picturing it happening was making me feel really nauseous, but then as soon as we got in the car to come home, I started panicking that I was sick and the doctors hadn’t spotted it because I refused the blood test, and I could feel my blood turning to poison and I was convinced I was dying and all that jazz.”  
“Do you feel better now?”  
“I feel better now.” Tyler nodded. “I felt better within 2 or 3 hours, Mom got me home and we talked and talked and talked about it until it was painfully obvious how illogical my thoughts were, and I felt half way better, then Jay and Maddy came home and they wanted to play Mario with me and after a couple of minutes doing that, I felt back to myself.”   
“Sounds like you managed it really well Ty,”  
“Yeah, it could have gone a lot worse. The other panic attack was just a random one in the middle of the night and I calmed myself down within an hour without waking anyone up. So they were both okay really,”

“I think if either had happened even just 2 or 3 weeks ago, you wouldn’t have been able to cope that well. You’re still making such incredible progress week on week, you’re phenomenal,”   
“Thanks Josh,” Tyler felt himself blush.   
“Is that the right thing for me to say? Or would you prefer I didn’t comment on such current changes?”  
“No no, it was a nice thing to say,”  
“I’m, I'm still figuring this stuff out as we go, sorry for the questions,”   
“You don’t have to be sorry, I’m glad you want to know what helps,”

“Sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I worry about making this harder for you,”  
“Why?” He asked, grateful for Josh’s openness.   
“Because, without wanting to sound conceited, I know I’m important to you and you put a great deal of emphasis on me and my words, and I’d hate for some silly comment I make to become lodged in your mind and cause you to spiral. I don’t want to upset the applecart,”   
“What makes you think you’re important? Pfff, please, I’ve got 9 guys on the go right now,”

They laughed. 

“You’re a big piece of my world admittedly, but I’m lucky to have lots of other big stable pieces helping me stay afloat, including but not limited to that strange lady following us. I, I know this is a lot, I know you weren’t expecting to come back from Indonesia to me the way I was, or expecting it to take so long for me to become who I currently am, and I understand it’s a lot to take in, but you don’t need to be put off. I’m sensitive but I’m not delicate anymore. You can upset me but you can’t break me, I’m not as fragile as people think. It’s taken me a whole lot of energy to build up the blocks of who I am and I’ll never let them topple again, they’re reinforced with grit and determination and a shed load of therapy. What people see and might consider as regression or backwards steps, like the panic attacks, is like the leaves of a tree blowing around in the wind. They might tremble but the trunk stands solid. I’m okay, and if you say something mean then I might get emotional, but I don’t believe you’ve got it in your loving heart to say anything harsh enough to hurt me, Josh, so that’s not something you need to feel worried about.”

“You’re amazing, I, I know I keep saying that but I really mean it Ty, you blow me away every day and I wish I had better words to express to you just how impressed and proud and honoured I am,”  
“Honoured?”  
“Yeah, it doesn’t elude me that it would have been way easier to cut off and let go of everything which lead to you getting sick, including me and my decision to abandon you in your time of need, but you found a way to let me back into your life and I feel extremely honoured that you summoned the energy and did the work to allow it,”

“Josh, if you thought there was any viable iteration of my recovery that didn’t include you by my side, you’re wrong. It was always going to be this way, you and me,” Tyler stroked Josh’s hand with his thumb. “Yes it was an effort to work through some of the stuff that happened, but you’ve also been a huge motivation. I wanted to get healthy again so we could hang out like this again, to me this isn’t just a walk, this is everything.”

He didn’t reply straight away and Tyler took the chance to check behind, comforted to see his mother a little way behind, lost in her audiobook and watching the clouds. 

“I don’t deserve you,”  
“Don’t say that Josh,”   
“It’s the truth though, isn’t it? You and your family have given me everything, absolutely everything, you gave me a home when my parents kicked me out, you’ve shown me love and mercy and taught me kindness, anything I could ever dream of having you’ve provided without hesitation. I mean your mom even pays half my rent to this day for my apartment, an apartment she devoted a lot of time to finding for me when I was stuck on my friend’s couch, too overwhelmed and deep in grief to motivate myself to look for anywhere; she’s a better mom to me than mine ever was, and what did I do in return? I ran away without leaving a note and left you to have a psychotic breakdown.”  
“No, no that’s not what happened, what happened was our friend died, Josh. Our friend, your best friend and arguably the only person who had your back for your entire life until we met, died. And we both reacted to that, we reacted in ways that were out of our control and were different and set us in different directions, but you don’t need to feel guilty for that. You needed to go to Indonesia, just as much as I needed to go to Cygnet.”

Josh sighed heavily and Tyler squeezed his hand again. 

“I’m proud of you, Josh. You tell me all the time but I don’t tell you nearly enough. I’m really really fricking proud of you,”  
“Why? For what?”  
“Everything. For surviving your family for so long, for the bravery it took to be honest with yourself and the world about your sexuality, for escaping the abuse, for taking the steps you needed to take to cope with the grief of losing your best friend, for managing to come back to Columbus, for getting into law school, and for all the other ways you’ve been working on yourself, and all the other achievements you’ve had, and for somehow coming out the other side of the crap you’ve had to deal with with the warmest heart I’ve ever known. I’m really proud of you Josh,”   
“I love you Ty,”

They hadn’t said that in a long time. Years. Not since they were lovesick teens just graduating high school. 

Part of Tyler wanted to giddily dance and grin and run around with delight, he’d longed to hear those words for so long, hallucinated them and begged for them in his lowest moments, but now finally hearing them from Josh didn’t sound right. 

If he was honest with himself, he knew Josh didn’t mean it like that, it was meant as a display of appreciation, not a devotion, and so Tyler took a few deep breaths and reigned himself in. 

“Shit, sorry.”  
“S’okay,”  
“I, I, um, uh, yeah,”  
“Josh, it’s okay.”  
“I didn’t mean it, but, um, I, I also didn’t not mean it, I just don’t, um, I didn’t,”  
“Josh, it’s really okay, I’m okay, I know what you meant. It’s fine, we’re cool.”

“I was really stressed last night about some stupid paper and my housemate, Andrew, he woke up at 5 to get some water and actually had to come into my room and tell me to put the books away because I still hadn’t slept, and, uh, and he told me to get some rest so that I could make the most of my nice relaxing walk with you today. So far we’ve covered panic attacks, my fears of worsening your situation, how I thought you wouldn’t want me in your life anymore, why I don’t deserve you and my guilt about leaving, Debby’s death, my family, and to top it off I slipped in the L word. Don’t think he’ll be too impressed with this attempt at relaxation when I get back.”

“We can talk about something else if you’d like? Leave all the heavy stuff for another time?” Tyler suggested, feeling responsible.   
“Honestly? I kinda enjoy the more intense conversations. Obviously not all the time, that’s not healthy for anyone, and maybe enjoy is the wrong word, but I appreciate and value getting to talk to you about this stuff,”  
“So do I,”

“Can I ask you something?” Josh asked as they crossed the road.   
“Anything,”  
“I, I don’t wanna offend you, but earlier, the, uh, I don’t know how to phrase this, but the mood you were in earlier verses now, or the intensity, or the energy level maybe, um, -“  
“The me who gets excited by being able to pour milk on cereal, verses the me who can have such serious conversations,”  
“Yeah, is, is there any rhyme or reason behind why that can vary so much?”  
“Uh, yeh, it’s a defence mechanism I think,”   
“Right,”

“Really the victories we were talking about, having a shower and trying and partially failing to get dressed, and assembling the incredibly complex breakfast that is weetabix, really they’re very small wins. I, um, I guess I shrink my world down to the scale where those things are impressive so that I can allow myself to feel really proud. If I let myself think on the bigger scale of things then I start to feel embarrassed about what I lack the ability to do yet, and sometimes I get overwhelmed by what’s left to tackle and actually I just want to celebrate the wins, so yeah. Those tasks were hard for me, they still are hard for me, and if I think about the fact it’s hard for me as a grown ass man to have a shower then I get down and frustrated and that can lead to worse outcomes, so I simply don’t think about the bigger picture. I live in my little world where showering is the most tremendous achievement ever, and there’s no room in that world for conversations about serious stuff like this; when I want to talk about serious stuff I have to adjust. I dunno, maybe I’m overcomplicating this, but basically I have my small picture outlook when I want to enjoy my small improvements, and big picture view when it comes to these kinds of talks,”  
“That makes perfect sense, thank you for letting me in,”

They were getting close to the park and Tyler could hear children playing. 

“Just so you know Ty, there’s nothing small about overcoming a challenge, and you have absolutely no reason to see your improvements as something to be embarrassed by. You’re in a unique position and you shouldn’t compare what you’re achieving to others, and I think having a small scale perspective is a really cool way of making sure you’re allowing yourself the praise you deserve. If you ever want me to adjust to that scale then let me know and I’ll do my best to match your energy,”  
“You already do, Josh. When you walked in today, you were immediately happy for me and being enthusiastic and showing your pride. You already do such a good job with me without even realising,”  
“It was all genuine.”

“Boys, are we not going this way?” Mom called out, making them stop and turn around, seeing her point down the other path in the park. “It’s quieter, fewer people,”  
“I, I feel okay Mom,”  
“It’s up to you two, I’m just saying that way is easier if we’re thinking reduced stimulation is helpful,”  
“Your shout Ty,”  
“Um,” he looked around, seeing how busy it really was. “It’s not too bad if we stay away from the kids bit. Maybe we could try going to the bandstand?”  
“Sure?”  
“Sure,”  
“Sounds like fun, go on, take your 10,” Mom nodded encouragingly, letting him make his own decision, and put her earphones back in. 

“You’re having such a good day Ty, it makes me happy to see,”  
“Every day I get to see you is a good day,” he couldn’t resist saying with a small smile on his face, knowing he was being flirtatious.   
“What would you think about me asking if I could see you more? I know your schedule is quite planned out, but do you think you could find room for me a third time a week? We could still do dinner with your family, and still have these walks, then another time for other stuff? Maybe hang out in your room or your garden, or we could even work up to you coming to my apartment perhaps? I don’t know, we can figure that out, but more time together is the general idea,”

“Aren’t you super busy? You said you were up till 5 working,”  
“My first priority is you.”  
“You gotta leave time to rest too,”  
“If you’re saying no-“  
“Nope, I’m not saying no, I’m saying yes, I’m saying that sounds like the best plan you’ve ever proposed, I’m saying that sounds awesome, I’m just also saying I don’t want you sacrificing sleep or study time for me,”   
“I have sacrificed and will sacrifice a whole lot more than that for you Ty,”  
“Well I’m telling you don’t, you need to sleep and write your papers and have some down time, and then maybe if there’s any time left over, we could hang out.”

“Alright, how about this for a compromise, it’s only a few weeks till spring break. Pretty much everyone I know is clearing out and shipping off to Florida, and little old me, I’m staying home, by which point I’ll hopefully be more on top of school stuff. It might be a bit much for you, which I totally understand, but the apartment is gonna be empty so if you want to try coming over and seeing what it’s like then it would be a good time, if that’s something that intrigues you?”  
“I can come to yours?”  
“Yeah, if you’d like,”  
“I, I’d really like that,”

“I’ve actually been, um, I’ve been getting back into cooking recently.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yeh, I mean I’ve obviously been making myself food for a while, but really basic low effort stuff because whenever I tried to properly cook, I’d just become overwhelmed with bad memories of having to cook for my family, but, uh, but recently I decided to put my head down and I’ve been pushing through and I think I might have cracked it now because I’m getting the passion back and the fun from it again. I did a mini dinner party thing for the apartment this week, remaking some of the dishes I had when I was in Indonesia, and it went really well, and I’m eager to keep cooking for those I care about. So if you’d like, I’d love to cook for you sometime? It, uh, it could be a date?”  
“A date?”  
“Yeh. Only if you want.”  
“I’d love that Josh,” Tyler smiled to himself. “I’d love that a lot,”   
“Spring break dinner date in the books, cancellations available any time,”   
“Can we have chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs?”  
“No we cannot, mister,”  
“You sound like my mom,”  
“S’big compliment, I’ll take it.”

They eventually approached the bandstand, white and majestic, not homing any bands in a while but offering shelter from the sun and rain year round. To Tyler it was best part of the park, but thankfully all the children swarmed to playground and the dog walkers to the grass and the runners to the paths, so the pair had it to themselves. 

“Do you wanna sit?”  
“Um,” the steps Josh was gesturing to were slightly dirty, which rationally Tyler knew was fine, it was absolutely fine, he would be fine, it would be fine, everything would be fine, unless it wasn’t fine, unless-

“How about that? Does that make it easier?” Josh had stripped his jacket off and laid it down.   
“You’ll get cold,”  
“Not with you here to keep me warm,”  
“Josh,”  
“If you can’t then that’s cool, we can keep walking, I don’t mind Ty, I really don’t mind, whatever’s best for you,”  
“I can sit,”  
“You got this,” he gave Tyler the last boost he needed to settle himself down onto Josh’s coat, halfway up the steps, and Josh sat right up next to him, bodies close together. 

Mom had stationed herself on a nearby bench, giving them a thumbs up when she saw him looking. 

“Do you remember when we went to that fancy restaurant with the columns and the pianist and everything on the other side of town for our 6 month anniversary?”  
“No,” Tyler answered honestly.   
“You wore your dad’s blazer and tie and you looked adorable, but we got there and it was all fancy French food and I think you just got a bit overwhelmed by it, I mean it was quite expensive and you didn’t want to waste whatever you ordered, and we stalled for a while and sent the waiter away like 5 times, and in the end we both ordered a basket of bread and ate it all and then left and went for the most traditional of all the French food, French fries, at McDonalds,” 

They both laughed, Tyler still not having any genuine recollection but amused nonetheless. 

“Seriously though, we can do whatever you want for the menu Ty, if you want dino nugs then I’ll make you dino nugs. The company’s what’s important.”  
“I can stretch beyond dinos, just don’t throw me way into the deep end,”  
“I’m sure I can find a middle ground, I’ve got you,”

Tyler leaned closer towards Josh, who picked up on the signals and opened up his arm, wrapping it round him, protecting him under his wing. 

“I’m sorry I don’t remember more, Josh,”  
“Why are you apologising? Amnesia is a normal part of psychosis and not something you have any control over,”  
“But we made all these memories together and now they’re gone,”  
“They’re not gone Ty, they’re not gone, I’ve got them all up here,” he tapped his temple then cupped Tyler’s hand again, “and I’ll happily spend forever telling you about them if you want, meanwhile we can continue making new memories together, hey?”  
“Mmm,”

“You alright?”  
“Getting tired,”  
“I bet, you’ve had a busy day,”  
“Busy getting dressed and making breakfast,”  
“Ty, remember that small scale perspective you told me about earlier, don’t minimise your achievements,” Josh told him somewhat firmly. “You’ve stretched yourself today, it’s normal to be worn out by that,”  
“I guess,”  
“Should we start heading home? Get you back so you can relax?”  
“I’m relaxed with you,” Tyler nestled closer against Josh’s chest, who in return pressed his head to Tyler’s.   
“That makes me happy Ty, but just say the word and we’ll go back, okay? Don’t overdo it, respect your limits,”  
“I’m okay here, Josh,”  
“Let’s stay here then,”

He could feel Josh’s heartbeat through his shirt. 

“Did you really just ask me on a date? Just like that?” He couldn’t quite believe what had happened, lips curling up as he formed the words.   
“I’ve been trying to find the right moment for a long long time,”   
“You have?”  
“Yeah, uh, honesty time?”  
“Go on,” Tyler looked up at Josh, watching his adorably awkward, quivering smile.   
“Deep down I don’t think I ever truly stopped loving you, you’ve always been there, in my heart, since the beginning. Even in Indonesia when I was trying my best to forget everything, disconnect from everything, still every single night my thoughts would go to you. Coming back and finding you so sick, it, uh, it hit me hard Ty and reminded me all over again just how much you mean to me, and now, getting to witness this phenomenal turn around you’ve somehow pulled out of the bag, it’s been the greatest honour of my life and I’m so incredibly lucky to be here, with you. I’ve always wanted to be cautious and respectful, for all I knew you hated me for leaving, and even once you showed me your kindness, I knew how disrupting this could be if you weren’t in the right place to receive it, but you’ve let me back in and I’ve been waiting for the signals, waiting for things to become steady, waiting for you to show me you’re ready, waiting for my bravery to kick in and I guess today’s the day? So, uh, yeah, today’s the day I asked, but every day’s been a day I’ve wanted to ask.”

Josh’s smile did things to Tyler that were beyond words. 

“You’re the love of my life, Tyler Robert, and though my life has been so far short and fraught with intense bouts of grief and suffering, you are the piece that make all the other pieces make sense, you are the reason, the only reason, and you make me feel things that I just can’t-“  
“Can I kiss you?”   
“God yes,”

Tyler grabbed Josh by the back of the neck and before he knew it, that sensation he’d been chasing was back, the pleasure was back, found in his partner’s lips. 

“Again?” Josh whispered, foreheads together after a second to giddily breathe.   
“Uh huh,” Tyler didn’t want to waste time with words, the familiarity of kissing him a welcome evocation of all that could be achieved when they became one, but doing nothing to strip the pure thrill of passion. 

It was worth it. Everything it took to reach that moment was worth it. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picking up later that same day - I only split so people can have a break since it’s so long!

“Go on, tell your brother what you did,” Mom brought her iPad over to Tyler, shoving a live FaceTime call with Zack at school in his face.   
“Lemme guess, you finally beat my high score-“  
“I kissed Josh!” He couldn’t wait to tell him. “I kissed him, I kissed him lots and lots, and he kissed back, and we’re having a date over spring break,”   
“Dude! I knew it wouldn’t be long! Nice one!”  
“In a park Zack, a public park with people watching,” Mom couldn’t resist heckling her only complaint.   
“Pff, so what?? Young love, mother, the public adores young love,”  
“That’s what I said!” Tyler couldn’t stop grinning.   
“Quick thought Tyler, draw a map of exactly where you kissed him - a map of the park that is, not his body, nobody needs that information - so some day you can take him back there and be all sappy,”  
“It was on the steps of the bandstand,”  
“Romantic,”  
“I’ve already decided that’s where I’m gonna propose to him,”  
“Alright alright, you’ve gotta go Zack, now I’ve gotta have a chat with Ty about boundaries, bye,” Mom hung up without even given him a chance to utter any semblance of a farewell. 

“Mom,”  
“We need to have this chat,”  
“We don’t need to have this chat,”  
“Sweetheart I’m very happy for the pair of you, but you’ve only just come out of hospital, you can’t-“  
“Mom, really, I don’t need this chat, I’m not gonna propose to Josh any time soon, I promise,”   
“What counts as soon to you,” she was squinting at him, trying to read him somewhat suspiciously.   
“I dunno, let’s say at least a week?”  
“Tyler!”  
“Kidding, kidding, I’ll wait at least a year, how about that?”  
“At the very least!”   
“That’s what I said Mom,” he laughed. 

“At least a year, and only if you’re healthy and stable and the two of you are happy and working well together and-“  
“Of course, why else would I propose?”  
“Even so, you need to ask for our approval to make sure we’re on the same page, or your father’s permission at least,”  
“Dad? Why?”  
“That’s what normally happens, right? You ask the father of the bride for permission to propose? And you know, since Josh doesn’t have his bio father in his life anymore, Dad’s become his new-“  
“Mom, I get what you’re trying to say, kinda, but Dad being Josh’s dad makes it sound like we’re brothers which would really mess with the whole marriage thing, and I’m gay so there’s no bride involved, and that entire tradition is based on a father literally owning his daughter as a possession, so as much as I appreciate you tryna say Josh is family and everything, let’s just not do any of that,”  
“Alright honey, alright,” she chuckled as she sat down on the couch next to him, gesturing for him to cuddle up close, which of course he was going to do anyway. He was always comfiest when he snuggled up to her. 

“You have a nice day?” Mom stroked his hair back.   
“The best in a really long time,”  
“That makes me really happy, lovebug,”

“Mom, can I ask you something about Josh?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Is it true you pay his rent?”  
“Only half, which he’s promised to pay me back once he starts this paid internship of his over the summer. You gotta remember sweetheart, when he left his parents, he had nothing but the clothes on his back. He came back from Indonesia with a little bit of money from some of the work he did out there, but most of that went on his flight home and for weeks he was just living on some kid’s sofa, trying to save up with some shitty 0 hours contract at that food court in the mall, and your father and I knew full well it would be months before he could even afford the security deposit on a place of his own, so last year we paid for his entire rent, then this year we all agreed to cut it to half, and next year we’ll check in to see how much help he might need then. He’s offered to pay us back but we’re not expecting him to, it’s our gift to him, our little way of helping right all the wrongs he’s had come his way. It’s not something you need to worry about though Ty, we can afford it, it’s less than our groceries thanks to his roommates, you really don’t need to worry,” 

“Do you ever wonder whether, by paying for his place, you’ve backed him into a corner where he feels like he has to come hang out with me or you’ll cut him off and he’ll lose his home?”  
“Woah, where did that come from??”  
“I, I don’t know, I just all of a sudden thought today was too good to be true.”  
“Absolutely not Tyler, absolutely not, no way, no.“ Mom hugged him closer. “I know exactly where your head is at, you’re overwhelmed with happiness and that’s not something you’ve had to deal with in a hot minute, but that doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate sweetheart. That boy, he loves you, he loves you so much,”  
“I love him too,”  
“You know him better than anybody. Does he seem like someone who would ever scheme or deceive for money?“  
“No,”  
“No. He knows our arrangement is completely detached from his relationship with you, and nothing, I repeat, nothing that happens between you two has anything to do with his rent, you hear me?”

Tyler sighed deeply. 

“I think the adrenaline has dropped away now. I was on a high when I was with him, and then coming back and telling Dad and telling Mads and Jay, and then telling Zack, I was still on that same high, and now all of a sudden it’s just gone,”  
“What’s gone sweetheart? Your feeling for Josh?”  
“God no, even you just saying his name made my heart skip a beat, I meant more the thrill of it all. I’m still excited, I guess I’m just starting to realise all the challenging stuff I’ve now got to add to the long list of stuff I need to work on.”  
“What’s worrying you?”  
“We haven’t even hung out alone yet, you’re always there, 10 steps behind. What if I freak out without you?”  
“Then I’ll stay nearby,”  
“For the rest of my life?”  
“If that’s what you need,” she kissed the back of his hand. “I’m confident you’ll crack it much sooner than that, but there’s really no rush Ty. Josh knows you need to do this at your pace, I’m sure he’ll be accommodating in every way, including letting me tag along at a distance,”

“Can, um, can you call Josh, ask if we can do a visit to his apartment before the date?”  
“You and me?”  
“You and me and him, no roommates, just so I can check it out before I take the next step to try eating there. And tell him I’ve never eaten outside of this house since I got discharged,”  
“Angel of course I will, of course, but this is Josh, yeah? He’d do anything for you, all you need to do is ask. I’ll be your message man, not a problem, but you’re able to have a dialogue of your own with him, you’re fully able,”

Tyler felt safe hiding in his mom’s cuddle, however she had a valid point. She wasn’t the only person who could take good care of him. 

“I’m gonna call him.”  
“You’re gonna call him?”  
“Yeh. Now. Unless you think that’s too soon??”  
“No not at all, I think that’s a really wonderful idea baby. Do you have your phone or would you like to use mine?”  
“Uh, I, I think mine’s upstairs? I don’t know, I, I haven’t used it for a few days,”  
“Here, take mine,” 

His mother’s lock screen was a photo taken a few weeks back when Zack had last been home and they had their first family photo since before Tyler got really bad. It meant a lot to her, and even though all he could see were the scars ravishing his skin, it meant a lot to him that his family were still surrounding him. 

“Do you wanna go on a speakerphone so I can help?”  
“Um, uh, I’ll try going solo and then have that as a backup plan?”  
“Sounds solid to me sweetheart, I’m right here if you need me,” she squeezed his hand as he stood up, knowing his feet liked to pace when he used a phone. 

His fingers shook slightly as he flicked through her slightly different app layout to find the green icon, but Josh’s name was easy to find, frequent in her recent history, and he took a deep breath before dialling him. 

It only rang once. 

“Hey Momma Kelly, missing me already?”  
“Josh, hi, it’s uh, it’s me,”  
“Ty, hey darling, I’m just gonna go next door so we can speak, one sec,” His voice suddenly sounded deeper as Tyler could just about make out the sound of his footsteps, “Everything okay?”   
“Yeh,”  
“Yeh?”  
“Yeh yeh, uh, well, mostly, yeh,”  
“Talk to me, what’s up?”   
“I’m, I'm just getting a bit worried about things,”   
“Okay, do you think talking to me about any of those worries might help?”  
“Maybe?”  
“I’m hear to listen and I’ve got all the time in the world for you,”

Tyler knew Josh was busy, insanely busy, so the value of his time was not lost on him and knowing he was willing to carve out a huge chunk made Tyler feel important. 

“I had a really nice time with you today Josh,”  
“I did too,”  
“I’m just, um, if, if we do end up making something of this, which is what I think I want, I need you to understand it won’t always be nice. You understand that, right?”  
“I understand it’s gonna be hard at times, but at what point in our relationship has it ever been easy, hey? We’ve always been up against something, and we’ve figured it out. I have faith this will be the same,”  
“Josh, um, I appreciate what you’re saying but I need you to properly think about what I’m saying. I’m not trying to self sabotage, I’m not trying to push you away, I just need to know that we’re on the same page so I don’t have to feel guilty down the line.”  
“And what’s on that page, Ty? You don’t need to dance around, just tell me what you think I need to hear.”

He looked over to his mom, who gave him a reassuring smile, then looked away in a nod to privacy. 

“I’m really sick, I’ve been really sick for a long time and, um, and I’m always going to be really sick. The doctor at Cygnet said schizoaffective disorder is a condition for life and now I’ve had a major psychotic break, I’m way more vulnerable to repeat episodes, he said they’re inevitable actually. I’m always going to be contending with this, which means if you’re in my life then you’re always going to be contending with it too.”  
“I understand that Ty,”  
“So?”  
“So that doesn’t intimidate me, we will handle it one day at a time,”

“Okay so maybe you can do that for me for a while, take it slow and always be thinking about me and how I’m doing, but what about in 6 months? Are you still going to be so relaxed when I still can’t cope with the simplest of things? And what about in a year? Or 2? Or 10? What about if you invest all this time in me, shape everything around me and my issues, and still nothing changes, nothing improves, maybe things are actually way worse than they currently are. Won’t you resent me?”   
“Why on earth would I resent you, Ty?”  
“Because you’ll never get what you want, a normal relationship,”  
“I don’t want a normal relationship, I want you.”

Tyler could feel himself getting teary, so paced over to the windows and looked out at the grass, taking slow and controlled deep breaths. 

“You don’t know what that means. You don’t know who I am anymore. I’m different from last time.”  
“You’re right Tyler, I don’t totally know what that means, but one thing I know for sure is that your heart hasn’t changed. Maybe lots of other things have shifted after everything you’ve gone through, but you’re still the same heart I fell in love with all that time ago,”  
“You’re wrong,”

It was close, the tears, they were close. 

“You’re wrong Josh, I’m not the same heart, whatever the heck that even means. Maybe it’s romantic and poetic to say there’s some soul or spirit or essence or something inside of me that survived the past 2 and a half years unscathed, but that doesn’t do justice to the complete destruction I’ve endured as a person. No part of me was untouched, I have been broken down beyond recognition, every scrap of my being torn into distorted fractures of a person, and I am different because of it.”

“To say I’m the same is to ignore what I’ve survived, what I’ve overcome, what efforts have had to go into rebuilding who I am today. Maybe you see some parts that you also saw in old Tyler, but they’re not the same pieces, they’re regathered and reconstituted and in that process they’re potentially laced with entirely new dynamics that you can’t possibly predict. What I’m saying to you is that I can’t predict them either, I don’t know who I am or where my limits are, which is fucking scary, and means I can’t make you any promises about the future. I, I really don’t know if I’m gonna be able to do this Josh, I’m gonna try my best, but I can’t promise that this will end well. I guess I’m just, um, I’m, I’m trying to protect myself, and in turn trying to protect you, because I don’t want us to get carried away by ideas that might never become our reality.”

He heard his mom crying on the couch, and once he tuned into it, he swore he could hear the same down the phone. 

Waiting for Josh to say something was scary, Tyler knew there was a very real possibility that the love of his life would walk away, but at the same time he didn’t regret a word. He’d spoken a truth that needed to be aired, which was a cathartic and necessary process when it came to moving forwards. 

“Okay.”  
“Okay? What does that mean?” Tyler whispered.   
“Um,” Josh sniffed. “It means no more wishy-washy declarations about stuff I don’t understand, it means a whole new level of admiration for your recovery has just opened up, I, uh, it means I’ve learnt I need to accept that the old Tyler isn’t around anymore and get to know you as the new individual you’re becoming, and it means you’re the bravest person I’ve ever known.”

Tyler forced himself to gulp down the lump in his throat. 

“That’s a lotta subtext shoved into the word okay,” he tried lifting the mood, and to his relief Josh chuckled for a second. 

“Would it be okay to talk about me for a bit? I, I don’t want to take this conversation away from you, you’re leading it so well,”  
“No, please, go ahead,”  
“Kay so, um, I, I’ve been through something of a character development myself, nothing like what you’re describing, in fact they’re not even in the same league, but nevertheless my year out in Indonesia involved a lot of processing that I think has changed me in ways I don’t fully understand. Again, not trying to compare myself to you. But yeah, whilst out there I needed to come to terms with a lot, losing Debby, yes, but also a whole hoard of other stuff that I’d just been pushing down and down. My sexuality, my faith, my shitshow of childhood. At first I was trying to accept them and move on, but the longer I was out there, the more smothered I felt by all these thoughts and memories and questions and arguments and it didn’t take long before I was completely consumed by it.”

“I wish I could say there was a eureka moment, a specific point in time where I had the revelation that, you know what, I didn’t deserve to be abused, but it didn’t happen like that in real life, instead it was one grain of sand moving at a time, and by the time I was able to breathe again, whole dunes had moved. It was a slow and painful process that I thought would give me closure but really those wounds are still healing and will continue to need my care for potentially the rest of my life, and that’s something I’m continuing to adapt to. I’m learning what’s healthy for me and what pushes me too far, I’m learning church can be safe but prayer is asking too much of myself right now, I can handle actors screaming on TV shows but when my roommates raise their voices for any reason I go straight into that fight or flight response.”

“I’m figuring myself out, getting to know myself, which is something I never truly did when we were together in high school. Back then I was so used to lying and pretending I was fine out of fear that my parents would punish me for acting out, that I either forgot or never fully developed the skills needed to understand and manage my emotions, and crucially express them externally. That’s changing, it’s changing every day, I’m getting better and I’m discovering and uncovering things to this day, and this whole time I’ve been doing it alone, Ty. I’ve been doing this on my own. I’ve had no support team, no family of my own, no companions to confide in, nobody by my side who’s been able to understand what the heck I’m going on about. I love your parents and they’ve been nothing but excellent to me, but they’ve had a lot to manage with you being sick and being in the hospital and now being home, and honestly it’s hard for me to be open in the best of circumstances, let alone when my brain reminds me how much they’ve struggled themselves, meaning I’ve been reserved in what I’ve told them. So yeh, I’ve had nobody understand me in a really really long time, I’ve been really isolated, and lonely, and hearing you say everything you said about rebuilding yourself, it made me feel seen in a way I don’t think I ever have before.”

“I’m lonely too.” Tyler mumbled under his breath. “I’m lonely too. It feels like I’m the only person in this boat and I’ve been swept to ocean and I don’t know which direction is suppose to be the right one anymore. I don’t know who I am or where I’m going, and I’m so lonely.”

“I know you’re scared of relapse, of pushing yourself too far and the consequences it might have for you and also those of us who love you, I understand that Ty, I understand that all too well. Maybe there’s differences in our mechanisms and I know there’s a lot on the line for you, but I understand the concept of pacing and triggers and I promise you right now, I will never, I repeat, never, push you to a place you’re not ready to go to. If we’re 10 years down the line and you still don’t feel able to go for a walk without your mom shadowing us, then guess what? Momma Kelly needs to find room in her diary for a stroll, yeah? I can take this at your pace, not just for today but for forever, and I’ll never resent you because a piece of me is you. I know if I was ever pushed outside my comfort zone involuntarily, or made to feel guilty for not stepping outside it myself, I know I would be shattered. I won’t do that to you Ty, I promise.”

Tyler didn’t know how to voice the overwhelming swirl of emotions inside. 

“I care about you, and if actually this phone call is you saying you’re not able to even attempt a date then of course I’m going to accept that, I don’t want you making yourself uncomfortable and potentially unwell just for my sake, I’d much rather we didn’t have a date. If this call is you saying you’re still up for it but you need me to be extra understanding then absolutely Ty, we’re definitely on the same page. I know this isn’t some typical first date, I know we might have to do some things differently, maybe I don’t know exactly how they’ll be different, but I can be flexible and adaptable and open, and if you’re able to continue doing such a good job of communicating with me like this then we’re going to make a strong team.”  
“And, and if it doesn’t work out, I can always download Grindr.”  
“Very true Tyler, very true,” he laughed, making Tyler smile. 

“Please can I come to your apartment? With my mom? I don’t really cope well with unfamiliar locations, and having the time to familiarise myself with the support of my mom would make it easier for me to relax when I come round for the date.”  
“Not a problem, of course you can, and if you need to do that a dozen times to get familiar that’s fine, we can even break it down into smaller steps if you need, practice the two of us having dinner at your house, and then practice dinner with both you and your mom here, and slowly work our way up. Whatever makes you feel safest, yeah?”   
“Yeah,”  
“And if that’s what works best, that’s how this whole relationship is gonna go. One tiny step as a time.”  
“Hey, you never know, in 20 years I might graduate to medium size steps.”   
“And I’ll still love you the same.”

“Thank you, Josh. Really, thank you.”  
“We’re in this together, you hear me? For now I might need you to give me these prompts, let me know what’s helping and what’s excessive and what could be better, and I’m sure soon enough we’ll become so in sync with one another that all these decisions will become instinctive to us. I’ll be able to predict what works best without you even needing to think about it,”  
“It’ll become our new normal, right?”  
“Exactly right. We’ll adapt quicker than I think we even realise, and I’m excited for that Ty. I’m excited because it’s gonna help you feel more comfortable and secure, and because I’ll get to spend more time with you, and because I think it marks the start of our life together.”   
“Our life together? Hm, I like the sound of that.”  
“So do I darling, so do I.” 

“Listen, babe,”  
“You need to head off?” Tyler could guess from the tone.   
“Guilty. Andrew asked me to go over some stuff for Monday’s class with him and we’re right in the middle, hopefully it won’t take much longer than another hour or 2, so I can call you back if you want to keep talking about this, or we could just talk about whatever, you know I love talking to you. Alternatively if you’re tired from your mega day then we can delay for another time?”  
“Uh, I’ll see how much energy I have in the bank after dinner?”  
“Power’s in your hands. You call me if and when you feel like it.”  
“I definitely will at some point, we’ll see about tonight.”

“Thank you for today Ty. It’s definitely been the best day of my year, and it’s going high up on my list of best days ever. I had a really nice time.”  
“It’s been my best day since I got sick, without a doubt,”   
“Makes me smile. Genuinely.”  
“Here’s to many more?”  
“Cheers to that. Speak soon,”  
“Bye,”  
“Bye babe,”

Tyler handed her phone back and then flopped down next to Mom with a giddy smile. 

“I change my mind. I’m gonna propose the next time I see him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey peeps,
> 
> Seems like a lot has happened since I last posted! Hope everyone is doing as well as they can given the circumstances. I’m currently still inpatient and I’ve been struggling to be honest, we’re closed to visitors due to the virus so I haven’t seen any family or friends in a long time, including on my 20th birthday which was a few days ago which sucked. I understand why the protocol is in place but it doesn’t change how much this sucks.
> 
> As someone with psychosis and OCD that includes a fixation on health, this has basically been a nightmare. I’ve regressed a lot and it feels like I’m surrounded by reminders, everywhere I go (online) seems to be corona oriented and it’s been incredibly anxiety inducing. Whilst rationally I know as a fit young person I’m in a low risk category, logic isn’t really helping! 
> 
> I’ve been trying to distract myself with writing as that’s an environment I can control. I’ve written quite a lot of stuff but it’s all been really personal and not necessarily stuff I feel comfortable posting online, but hopefully I’ll be able to channel some of that energy into writing more fanfic in the future.
> 
> If anybody needs to talk then I have an email address for fanart but I’ll also be opening that up for conversations during this pandemic, so feel free to reach out if you need somewhere to vent or if you have any questions for me 
> 
> ao3.maisie@gmail.com
> 
> Keep safe and stay indoors,  
> Maisie xx


End file.
